A huge muscular man walks into a bar and
orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay
but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a
question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard
someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog
sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a
genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The
frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold
Schwarzenegger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out
of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous
love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me.
"We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish.
What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir,"
says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy.
"That’s right."
So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone
steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender.
"That’ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy.
"Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He’s upstairs with my
wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same
as what I'm doing to his business."
Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One
man says, "I had the worst Freudian slip the other day."
The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the
first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that
reveals what you are really thinking about.
Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping
me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two
pickets to Tittsburgh." The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking
about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I
wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You ruined my life,
bitch!'"
A drunk walks out of a bar with a
key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody
ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'privates' hanging out of
his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a
beat, blurts out "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!"
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At
closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try
his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to
pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his
rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of
0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied,
"Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."