Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside
out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because
he has run out of women.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper
clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by
Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked
bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have
increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil,
who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it
coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn
baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more
that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's
bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and
five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard
that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck
Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus
wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious
gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the
Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer
only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance
Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him
kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby
60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could
turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however,
so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon,
since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes
it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but
that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once
said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and
roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats
all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you
may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays
dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the
Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But
then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard,
and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial
Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super
strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35,
he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this
phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris
lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by
the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species
list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't
worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes
later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds
later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him
how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never
question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would
win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed
into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the
1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7
of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free'
card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks.
So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may
be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant
lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a
bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to
the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave
things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left
testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term:
Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern
Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being
bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision,
beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked
through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford
will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen
powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.