Redneck Letter:
Dear Redneck Son,
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that
lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to
change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works
so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen
them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for
three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be
to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it
took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I
don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in
back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South...
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a
nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so,
it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks
at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya
breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies
out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly
back to the bar. His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"